Monday, May 19, 2008

The Consequences of a Burning Heart

It is hard for me to pinpoint the moment it all started. In fact this has been going on for a while and I'm not sure where to I'll just start somewhere I guess. I was stuck. I looked around and saw my life was just stuck. There was this quiet lull in which I felt like life was passing me by as though I was on freeze frame and everyone else was on fast forward. I knew that God was real and in my life. I knew that God had placed a call and passion in my life and I knew that I was in a holding pattern...waiting...watching...and then it happened. I did something I had never planned to do. I went back to teaching 5th grade. Not just any class, but THAT class. The class that has caused great teachers to be pressed to the breaking point. The class that everyone kind of holds their breath as they walk past and glances over to make sure that they all make it out of the no wake zone.
Truth be told, I didn't want to. I was compelled to. I knew without a doubt that God had made it clear that this was His task for me. The waiting was over. The school year was beginning and the purpose for this change was evident. A child in the class passed away and the funeral was held the same day as meet the teacher. There was no question in my mind that God had called J and I to be there to lead this class at this time. It hasn't been an easy year. In many ways they are still THAT class. There are moments that I shake my head in shame that I have had to resort to the kind of teaching that I despise.
As clearly as God had called me to change grade levels, God had pressed upon my heart a sense of urgency. 'Get your house in order. Your time here is done.' I heard this in my heart in August/September. I wrestled with it for weeks and finally after a low blow I knew that the pressure of knowing God's will and my resistance to it was too much. I walked down to my Principal and told her that I wasn't going to be back next year. I don't think she believed me. There were so many concrete reasons and excuses for me to leave. I am sure I could make quite a list of reasons to go but they don't really matter. I had such a sense of relief at saying out loud that I wasn't going to be teaching there next year. Comfort. Joy. God would provide.
What was His plan? What had this burning heart gotten me besides a clear end to my paychecks??

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